


I’m fine

by GhostAesthetic



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Drabble, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, catcalling, depictions of rape and sexual assault, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 05:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14325171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostAesthetic/pseuds/GhostAesthetic
Summary: He’s not fine though.Hux is dealing with trauma from being sexually abused. He’s stubborn and determined to handle it himself, but recovery is a long, difficult process. He ends up finding comfort in the last person he expected to.





	I’m fine

**Author's Note:**

> Aaa this is the first fanfic I’ve written in years, so I’m a little nervous about posting this. I hope people enjoy it though. It’s somewhat based off personal experience.

He’s fine. He’s alright. He’s definitely not traumatized or anything. Maybe the situation was upsetting, embarrassing, and uncomfortable, but he’ll move on.

At least that’s what Hux tries to tell himself.

It doesn’t work.

Sometimes he can still feel their hands on him, touching every inch of him like it’s their right to do so. Like being his superior officers made them entitled to his body. Their hands roaming over his shoulders, grabbing at his chest, before making their way down to his hips and ass and legs. He feels something pressing and grinding against his entrance through his pants and doesn’t want to know what it is. He thinks...hopes its just a belt buckle but he’s not sure. Hands holding him down while he’s powerless and unable to struggle against them. He wants to scream, to cry out, to push everyone away from him, to do something, _anything_. He feels sick and excused himself to the refresher feeling like he might vomit, but nothing comes out and he has to pull himself together and get back to work.

He tells himself he’s overreacting. Armitage Hux, general of the First Order, nearly driven to tears over being fucking _touched_. How pathetic he’s being. He tells himself that it could’ve been worse. He can get over this.

The nightmares don’t make things easier.

In one dream he’s held on the floor, his pants pulled to his ankles while someone’s grabbing at and punching his groin area. In another he’s on his hands and knees, naked while others are smacking him around and spilling their come onto him. It’s degrading and humiliating and he wakes up from the nightmares covered in sweat, his heart racing. He sits up in bed, trying to steady his breathing and avoid waking up Ren, who’s sound asleep in their shared quarters. For some reason he can never see the faces of whoever’s assaulting him in his dreams. He’s not sure what to think of that.

He feels dirty. The experience and memories leaving him feeling filthy, so filthy that even hours in the sonic don’t help.

Maybe he should get help for this. He knows there’s assistance for victims of sexual violence, as much as he despises thinking of himself as a victim. Deep down he knows he is though. He considers the possibility of seeking out a psychologist but quickly drops the idea. How laughable, General Hux requiring the help of a shrink. He’s stubborn and decides he’ll deal with this problem on his own.

He and his crew are planetside, stocking up on supplies and running errands when he hears the comments.

“Hey baby, where you going? Why don’t you take a break and show me what’s under that coat of yours?”

Confused, he turns his head and makes eye contact with the speaker. To his horror he realizes the comments are directed at him. The man who made them was clearly drunk and too stupid to realize who it was he just catcalled, but it doesn’t make it any less upsetting. He feels disgusted and embarrassed, the cat caller had spoken up loud enough for others to hear, even Ren stopped walking and looked back and forth between Hux and the drunkard. Hux figures he’ll ignore it and move on. He’s certainly not about to let words get to him.

“Well baby? I’ll show you a good time~”

The drunk speaks up again and Hux keeps his composure and gives his harasser the dirtiest look he can muster before walking away, Ren saying nothing and joining him.

“Fine be a bitch then! Who’d want to fuck you, whore-“

The drunkard’s voice is cut off and Hux looks over to see him grabbing at his throat, Ren staring straight ahead. He puts two and two together and knows what Ren’s doing.

“That’s enough, Ren,” Hux whispers. As satisfying as it was seeing his harasser in pain and fearing for his life, he just wants to leave and put this whole encounter behind him.

Ren obeys and lets the man go and he falls to the floor wheezing.

“You shouldn’t let anyone talk to you like that,” Ren says to him before quickening his pace.

He knows his co-commander is right. Hates himself for admitting it. But he shouldn’t tolerate being treated like a piece of meat.

There’s another incident. Hux is in the cafeteria, sitting alone at a table while he nursed a bowl of soup. The soup is bland and leaves much to be desired, but he’s used to it. He’s going over some reports on his datapad while he eats, until he overhears the joke.

We _raped_ them in that last battle!

Hearing the word makes Hux freeze and let his spoon slip out of his hand and clatter on the floor. He feels like he can’t breathe and he begins having flashbacks to his own experiences. Being held down and having his genitals grabbed at and stimulated against his will. He slams his datapad on the table and runs his fingers through his hair and tells himself to calm the hell down. He’s not going to lose his composure, especially not in front of his officers and stormtroopers.

_We raped them in that last battle!_

He knows they don’t mean it literally. That they’re simply using that word in place of humiliated or dominated but holy hell does it get to him. Hux knows he has to get out of this room to avoid having a complete breakdown in front of everyone. Running on autopilot, he retrieves his spoon from the floor and dumps the remainder of his food in the trash, not caring about being wasteful, and leaves the cafeteria.

Hugging his datapad to his chest, Hux walks through the halls of the Finalizer as quickly as he can without coming off as too suspicious. He stares straight ahead and holds his head high, silently praying that no one will try to approach him, and that he can hold back the tears until he can get to privacy.

He contemplates going into his office but decides against it. The last thing he needs right now is for an officer to walk in on him while he’s in the middle of a breakdown. Going to his living quarters is a safer option. There he can have complete privacy and not have to worry about anyone interrupting him.

When Hux reaches his chambers he punches in the code quickly, impatient to get inside. His vision is already getting blurry with tears that he tries to blink back in an attempt to keep them from falling down his face.

Once inside the safety of his chambers, with the door locked behind him. Hux allows himself to lean against the wall and let tears fall from his eyes. He hears a cracking sound as his datapad slips from his hand and falls to his feet, he looks over at it and sure enough the screen is shattered. He’ll deal with it later though, for now he’s trying to ignore the flashbacks.

Flashbacks where he’s being held down by one pair of hands, while another pair is eagerly removing his clothes and tossing them aside. Memories where he’s being entered without his permission, being told that if he makes a sound he’ll be killed. Memories of being a young officer and his superiors make a point to catcall him and grab him in public, relishing in his humiliation. He hates himself for not fighting back.

How selfish of them, to use his body for their own sick entertainment. Disregarding how their actions affect him. Enjoying themselves while simultaneously leaving him traumatized. Hux wishes them dead. Wants to kill them himself, and laugh as they beg for mercy. Apologizing for what they did, but it’s too little too late.

Hux sinks to the floor and hugs his knees to his chest and buries his face in his arms, allowing himself to sob as hard as he can. The flashbacks finally stop but he still feels like he’s drowning, he can still almost feel their hands on his body again and it makes him want to scream.

“General?”

Hux stops crying for a moment and holds his breath. In that moment he remembers that these living quarters don’t belong to him alone. His crew may not have access to these chambers but there’s one other person who does, and that person is honestly that last one he wants to see right now.

“Piss off!” Hux growls, keeping his head buried in his arms. He’ll be damned if he lets Kylo Ren see his tear stained face.

Ren doesn’t say a word, but instead kneels down in front of him. Hux wants to shove him away, to yell at him some more. He’s still having a panic attack and his co-commander is right here to witness it.

“Go...away...” Hux tries again once he gets his breathing under control. He finally feels his panic attack coming to an end, but he can’t seem to stop crying.

“I’m not leaving you alone like this,” Kylo finally speaks up after moments of silence. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Hux lies. It doesn’t take a mind reader to know that’s bullshit. That he’s definitely not fine. Ren rolls his eyes.

“So it was some comment that upset you,” Ren speaks again. Hux’s eyes widen in terror. “Oh, I see why it got it to you.”

“Get. Out. Of. My. Head.” Hux looks up at Ren, furious at having his privacy invaded.

“You have every right to be upset,” Ren says, ignoring Hux’s rage. “It was traumatizing for you, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Hux sighs and looks away, resting his chin on his arms. Tears still streaming down his face. No point in trying to hide from Ren anymore he supposes.

“I can kill the troopers who made that comment,” Ren says casually. Hux shakes his head.

“No, don’t do that,” he says. While those troopers may be idiots, Hux won’t have Ren wasting his men like that.

“You’re not dirty either,” Ren assures him.

Hux expects Ren to smirk at him, enjoying the sight of him suffering, but instead the look Ren gives him is almost sympathetic. Hux rolls his eyes. This is all so unexpected, his co-commander and rival, is actually making an effort to comfort him.

Kylo holds out his hand to Hux, Hux doesn’t know if Ren’s going to touch him and he flinched and pushes himself back against the wall.

“Don’t touch me!” He snaps.

“Wasn’t going to. If you don’t want to that is.”

Oh. Hux then realizes what Ren means by the gesture and slowly brings his own hand up to slip it into Ren’s, giving it a squeeze. It’s oddly comforting and he doesn’t want to let go.

They sit like that in silence. Hux buries his head in his free arm once again and Ren watches as Hux’s shoulders shake as he starts crying again. He’s surprised to find he’s not as embarrassed about being so vulnerable in front of his rival, and instead finds the younger man’s presence to be comforting.

Neither of them knows how they’ll act towards each other once they’re no longer behind closed doors. But for now, they’ll continue to enjoy each other’s presence.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell about Kylux on tumblr with me @lovely-kylux or on my personal tumblr @ghostxprince!!


End file.
